"How to Have a Heart Attack!"
by Bennett Moe
Today, we would like to help you with a do-it-yourself kit on "How to have a heart attack!" We know you are all very interested in this subject, as so many of your friends have succeeded where you . . . up to now, have failed. Since no one likes to be a failure we are sure this will be of help. Let's get right at it.
First: you will need to learn to satisfy your body's cravings for food. That means feeding it anything it wants. When the body indicates a craving for something special, you must humor it. If it wants a double cheeseburger for lunch every day. . . don't hesitate. . . feed it what it wants, you know it will always lead you in the right path. . . and double French fries. . . of course. And don't forget a malt to wash it down.
You say that's 2000 calories and more than your quota of fat for the day? Who told you that? Must have been one of those health nuts who are continually preaching how to be healthy. . . eating just fruits, grains, vegetables, nuts and seeds (in moderation). What do they know. . . you will never be able to get a heart attack if you listen to that stuff. . . and it sounds so boring! Instead, you must be thinking of sugar and fats, and anything else your body tells you it wants.
Next: you must stay away from salads because they are not only nourishing but also will help keep your arteries open. . . we can't have that!
If those health nuts could have seen you chowing down on that country breakfast this morning, they would have fainted dead away. . . wow. . . pancakes swimming in butter and syrup, followed by that incredible 3 egg omelet, bacon and sausage, hash browns, together with several cups of 'leaded' coffee. That is real eats. . . the kind you will need for your heart attack. . . you may even get some cancer if you keep that up. Of course, we can't promise everything!
Tonight, I would suggest one of those 16-ounce
steaks they were advertising on the TV last night, together with a loaded baked potato. Make sure the steak is cooked over the barby so the fire will kill all the living enzymes. You know enzymes are the life force of the foods we eat, and they begin to die when the temp reaches 107 degrees and are dead at 115 degrees. So make sure everything gets charred well. And don't forget to ask for the butter, sour cream and chives. It's the only way to eat if you want your arteries plugged. And finish it off with some ice cream like a chocolate eclair or a mud pie. The ice cream is 35% to 50% fat and other desserts have about that much sugar.
All this is just what you will need to keep the cholesterol elevated enough to build up plaque in the arteries. This, in turn, will cause inflammation of the arteries leading, inevitably, to the rupture of the plaque and a heart attack.
So that's the goal. . . now we can help you with additional suggestions.
Don't listen when they tell you about the benefits of taking some flax oil every day. . . that stuff tastes so gross. . . and your arteries and heart will love it. . . so stay away from it if you want to have a heart attack soon. Surely you can find something tastier than flax oil. Besides, you don't need the Omega 3 and 6 fatty acids it provides. That is "health food" talk and you must learn not to listen when you hear stuff like that.
As you prepare to retire for the night, fix yourself a nice piece of pie and some more ice cream. You can't have too many desserts if you want your attack.
Next: forget about all the government's publicity regarding eating 8 servings of fruits, grains, and vegetables daily. Those were the same guys that said you didn't need much fruit and veggies a few years ago. It gets so confusing hearing all that controversy. Besides, you don't want to be well, do you?
And pay no attention to the claims of those Barley drinks. . . icky, icky. . . only people who would want to be healthy could stand that green stuff! Ditto for carrot juice. . . stay away from liquid vegetable drinks that are probably the healthiest food you could eat. That's not for you!
Also: you need to keep up your dairy food intake. I once heard a cardiac specialist speak on this subject. He said, "What ever is good for the dairy business, is good for my business." So keep stuffing in that cheese, ice cream, milk and butter. We need to keep those cardiologists busy, don't we? Anything that helps the economy can't be bad, can it?
And: forget about all that exercise garbage. . . you get enough of that stuff just living. Relax on the couch and watch plenty of sports, eat your chips and drink your soda. After all, a soda or any other carbonated beverage has about 10 teaspoons of sugar, and that's plenty to block 1/3 of your immune system for a day. You have to keep blocking your immune system if you expect to get sick. . . so, drink your beverages. And try a diet drink once in a while. . . they have wood alcohol in them and will bother your brain. Clear thinking is not what you want to get into, right?
Stay away from drinking water. . . that stuff is good for you and will lubricate your system. Who said you need 8 glasses a day? Are you listening to the health nuts again? Just remember, all they know is how to keep you slender, energetic and well. You certainly don't want to listen to them.
And keep your stress levels up. . . sicknesses feed on high stress levels. Don't let anyone get in front of you on the freeway. . . that will keep up the stress. Try to be disagreeable as much as possible. A bad attitude is great for accelerating your attack. It's good to be as self-centered as possible, thinking only of yourself. That will drive away those trying to be friends with you. Lonely people are more likely to have heart problems.
The medical profession seemed to have a handle on prostate cancer a few years ago. . . they had a new hormonal medicine. It really kept the PSA down. Problem was it had some strange side-effects. One of the ingredients was estrogen and you can imagine how men reacted to that! The initial effect was hot flashes. . . they were not pleased about that. Can you imagine how a man would deal with a hot flash? Later, this was followed by another side-effect called enhancement of the. . . or enlargement of the er, ah. . . well, I might as well tell you the facts. Men would rather kiss a cobra than wear a bra!
But today, we are trying to help you have a heart attack; cancer will have to wait it's turn.
Forget about that 8 hours of sleep. . . Einstein only needed 4; and he was busy thinking all day long. You certainly won't need as much as he did. Spend your evenings in front of the TV. . . it will expand your mind(?), ruin your eyes, and do it's part in your heart attack. Sedentary living; that's for you.
Stay away from the sun as it will give you the needed vitamin D, which will keep you healthy. . . and you surely don't want that!
To summarize: keep stuffing yourself with cooked food, especially fried meat, chicken, and fish. Try to barbecue at least twice a week. Eat lots of cheese and other dairy products. Stay away from the fruits, vegetables and vegetable drinks. Please drink lots of coffee, and carbonated beverages. . . forget about the water and sunlight. Eat lots of ice cream and other desserts. Keep your stress levels at their peak, develop a really bad attitude and watch lots of TV late at night.
We believe if you follow these instructions, it will prove to be an excellent "do it yourself kit," and you will experience a decent heart attack.
50% of Americans will die of heart attacks so you need to do your share. . . after all, this is a democracy isn't it? So we all have to do our part.
HAPPY EATING!
This article satirically, playfully but poignantly addresses how unhealthy the SAD (Standard American Diet) is to your physical body! For healthy and delicious recipes go to www.hacres.com. *Article was written by Mr. Bennett Moe and sourced from Hallelujah Acres' health ministers' tools and resources.
